Monday, April 28, 2008

Waiting. But Not in Vain. Hopefully.

First of all, just to clarify, my little countdown ticker is a little off. I made it months ago, and either I was thinking positively, or I was just somehow off, but I'm not actually due until Friday. Silly me. But I'm not actually overdue yet, which is good.

Hmmm...I'm having trouble deciding how to actually start this next little section I want to talk about. Basically, I'm feeling the need to be pretty honest, and not all positive and putting up a (false) brave, strong front. So I apologize in advance if I make anyone feel uncomfortable or unduly sorry for me. For the most part I have been really positive, and happy, and not stressed, and not worried, this whole pregnancy. So it hasn't always been an act. I've had a lot of lovely spiritual experiences, and the hypnobirthing thing is very reassuring and calming, but this last little stretch of pregnancy is very very hard, and I find my faith wavering a bit, and I suddenly have to work superhard during my relaxation sessions to stay in relaxed mode, and I have to tell my shoulders and neck and jaw, quite constantly, to unclench. Blech.

Poor Jon came home to find his wife a sobbing mess on the couch today. I'm actually quite proud that I made it safely home, as I was crying the entire way, and it's no easy feat to cry and drive at the same time, especially when you wear glasses. Home from where? you ask, and why was I crying? Because I had an appointment with my midwife today, and I'm 39 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, and she did an internal exam, and my baby is still high and hasn't dropped into position, and my cervix (sorry if this is too much info) is all closed and high and thick and blah blah blah. So for someone who's due in 4 days, my body isn't acting like it's going to go into labor any time soon.

Now my logical mind was trying to prepare myself for this news, and I know that it doesn't really mean much as many women don't have any progress at all until they actually start actual labor. But the part about the baby not having dropped was pretty discouraging, and then my midwife had to talk about what will happen if I don't go into labor before I reach 41 weeks. All this stuff that I REALLY REALLY don't want to do, like being induced, and if that doesn't work, being c-sectioned. That stuff drives cold, sharp, nails of fear into my heart. So I was sobbing because I feel like I have this, to quote my friend Emily, ticking time bomb set for 2 weeks now, and if I can't dismantle it/go into labor on my own, it's going to go off in the form of a traumatic, medical birth ordeal, that I don't want. That's a lot of pressure for a girl to live under.

Of course hormones and fatigue are also not helping very much. And I try to remember that this is 60% mood swing and that tomorrow I will feel better and a little more rational and positive and proactive and all that jazz. And I'll try to remember that poor L'il Bit is feeling all my mood swings too and I only want him to feel happy welcoming love vibes, so that he'll want to come on out. But tonight I'll be praying my guts out, and I don't mind asking that if you believe in that sort of thing, that you will pray for me too. To naturally start labor before my "time" is up, and to not have the frightening kind of labor that requires pitocin and forceps and emergency surgery, etc, and to have an increase of faith, and to not be so pitifully anxious right now. I hope I'm not asking too much...

I guess that no matter how, this boy will be born within about 2 and 1/2 weeks, and won't just be squatting uncomfortably on my bladder for forever. That is something to be grateful for. I guess. Thanks for putting up with my pity party, and I'll try to write something all upbeat tomorrow or the next day about spring, and gardening, and how sitting on my front porch is like sitting in a tree, and my new fun calling at church, and washing darling little sleep gowns with yellow ducks on them, etc. All the many, many, many good things in my life.


Emily said...

You've got the hormones girl. Trust me, today won't be the only time you cry (this is meant to be cheering by the way) you will feel more discouragement over dumb and not so dumb things. You certainly have a right to feel the way you do. Everyone wants an uncomplicated birth, and most are, as will yours most likely be. My doc tells me worse case scenarios and scares the crap out of me too just because he likes me to be prepared for the worst. They do that so you are informed.
You will be fine and will hypnotize that baby right out, but if you do need a little help that day, remember before your wedding some things were very important, and then that day, nothing but getting married to the man you loved mattered to you? The same thing will happen when you go into labor. You will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby and nothing else will matter. Here is a little gem of info too, if you find yourself a week late, take caster oil. The side effects aren't totally desirable, but nothing is a more natural surefire labor inducer (more natural then picocin that's for sure).

The Nye's said...

Oh Megan! I wish I had the perfect words to make you feel 100% better, but I don't think they exist. All I can say is I'm so sorry! It's not fair for pregnant women to have to go through this. And don't apologize for venting. You need to, and have every right to - your 40 weeks pregnant, for Heavens Sake! Good Luck! We will pray for you!

Anonymous said...

Hey cutie, don't feel one bit bad about feeling bad. No need to make it worse. At this stage, you deserve a pity party. Our prayers are with you that this little one will find safe and soon passage into the loving arms of his momma and poppa. And grandma! tee hee. By the way, my mom said her sister took caster oil for two of her babies.
Love and prayers, Marmee

Jen said...

Both my girls were late, and both births went very smoothly (no interventions!) You're in my thoughts and prayers right now - I'm crossing my fingers and believing very hard for the birth you want! I know it's easier said than done when you're given the "worst case scenario," but the best thing you can do is relax. And - for what it's worth - your body can kick it into high gear anytime (some women don't start effacing or dialating at all until their pressure waves begin) - just remember that every birth is different!

Hang in there sweetie - I'm confident that you'll have that beautiful boy in your arms very soon.